So if you know me, you probably know that I was raised in a totally theologically bizarre environment. Basically, half-Methodist, half-bastardized charismatic home church. It’s hard to explain really without going into a bunch of family stuff that is very long and boring and maybe I’ll write about that later. Basically, on weekdays, I went to Pentecostal school (Assembly of God). On Sunday, I was a Methodist acolyte. The rest of the time, all churches in the area were too corrupt to bother with and it was a weird mix of home worship and TBN and Smith Wigglesworth on tape in the car and Word of Faith stuff and traveling to big-ticket shit like Kenneth Copeland and Benny Hinn and other big revival things where people fall the fuck out in the spirit. Everything was literal as hell. We went on an amazing family vacation to the Creation Evidence Museum of Texas in Glen Rose. Dude, you don’t even know, it was amazing, it was like… run-down as hell and tiny and hilarious, not like that richy-rich one in Kansas or wherever. I’ve always wanted to go back.
Anyway, that’s just a little intro blurb because I wanted to share some pretty choice excerpts from a book my grandparents gave me when I moved to Seattle. It’s called The Effects of Praise, and it’s by Andrew Wommack. I’m also a big fan of his You’ve Already Got It! (So Quit Trying To Get It), which used to be on the back of my toilet at my parents’ house for some reason and went into like detail about how he raised his son from the dead and shit. Unfortunately, I do not have that one. It’s a bummer because like that was really entertaining stuff. This one isn’t as good.
See, here’s where the guilt kicks in, though. My grandparents are like the sweetest people in the universe and they didn’t mean to completely traumatize me with all the demons and rapture and hell stuff. I mean, if your granddaughter was possessed, could you just sit there and do nothing? Probably not. It’s all about love, man.
Also, they think highly of me enough that they ‘know’ I will read this book and really take it seriously and think about it. And they really want me to have a good life, and they think this will help me. Sorry you guys! I love you! I hope you never read this! (I mean, I doubt it, esp judging by the painful hours I spent helping my grandpa learn iTunes)
Andrew Wommack solves racism, ladies and gentlemen.
Super important. Okay, I really am learning a lot. The really great thing about this book is that my grandmother pre-highlighted some bits especially for me to read and absorb.
I will not think about my problems. I will not think about problems in the world. I’m really hungry right now but I am not going to think about that either. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels! Jk I really should just go cook something but ehhhhh
Okokokokokokokok. I’m really really done with problems. Actually, I kind of feel that: letting shit have power over you. I try not to let bad shit, like weird Charismatic teacher guys who run Schools of Healing, have power over me.
Shut up about your shitty dog-beating husband already, complainer!
Griping is not prayer, asshole!
I’m beginning to see what my grandma thinks my problem is… feeling a little insulted tbh
Now it’s personal.
Not highlighted, so I think I will continue to NOT tell the fam about how I spent like an hour online last week taking Kinsey scale quizzes
It’s not a competition, occultists! Calm down. I’m sick of this fucking rat race. You can all be the most demonic.
Anyway, whatever, this is light on content and I’m feeling pretty lazy but I just wanted to tell you that you’re a shitty whiner and you need to stop it. Also, don’t go to frat parties. But you already knew that.
Blessed be have a super praise-filled day everyone!